Musician Jokes

...all in good fun, of course!!

Instrument Families


Double reeds

What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up an oboe.

How many oboists does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but if he's not around, the soprano sax player will do it.


How do you get two piccolo players to play in unison?
Shoot one.

What key is the alto flute pitched in?
G -- I really don't care, either!!


What is the worst possible insult to a tenor saxophone?
Confusing it with a bass clarinet.

What's the purpose of the bell on a bass clarinet?
Storing the ashes from the rest of the instrument.


Why did the lead alto player play so many wrong notes?
Because he kept ignoring the key signature -- he thought it was a suggestion.

How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to do it, and four to comment on how David Sanborn would have done it.

If lost in the woods, who do you ask for directions, an in-tune tenor sax player, an out-of-tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?
The out-of-tune tenor sax player. The other two indicate that you're hallucinating.

What's the difference between a lawnmower and a tenor sax?
You can tune a lawnmower. And, the neighbors care if you don't return it.

How do you make a chainsaw sound like a baritone sax?
Add vibrato.

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Why is a string bass better than a cello?
The string bass burns longer.

How do you get an electric guitarist to turn down?
Put sheet music in front of him.

How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The piano player can do it with his left hand.

How do you get a bass player off your doorstep?
Pay for the pizza.

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How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to do it and three to stand around and brag about how much better they could have done it.

How do you get a trumpet player to play fff?
Write mp on the part.

Why did the trumpet player play a loud, blaring jazz solo during a slow, soft symphonic movement?
Because the part was marked tacit, and he thought it said "Take it!"


What do you call a guy who knows how to play the trombone, but doesn't?
A gentleman.

What did Captain Picard say when he entered a jazz club and saw a trombonist on stage?
"Computer: End program!"


What's a tuba for?
1 1/2" by 3 1/2" (Hint 2 x 4)

What's the range of a tuba?
About 20 yards if you've got a good arm.

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What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?

What do you call a guy who hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. There's machines that can do that now.

How do you tell if the stage is level?
The drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.

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Why did they say that the pianist had fingers like lightning?
They never struck the same place twice.


How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one; she just holds it in place, and the whole world revolves around her.

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How many conductors does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but, then again, who's really watching?

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