Musician Jokes


  • Accordion
  • Bagpipes
  • Banjo
  • Bass Guitar
  • Bass, Upright
  • Bassoon
  • Cello
  • Clarinet
  • Composers
  • Conductors
  • Drums
  • English Horn
  • Fiddle
  • Flute
  • French Horn
  • Guitar
  • Harp
  • Horns
  • Music
  • Music Critics
  • Musicians
  • Oboe
  • Piano/Keyboards
  • Piccolo
  • Saxophone
  • Trombone
  • Trumpet
  • Tuba
  • Viola
  • Violin
  • Vocalists


  • Accordion:

    1. Q: What's the difference between an accordion and a lawn mower?
      A: If you put both on Home Shopping Network, you could sell the lawn mower.
    2. Q: Who's the patron saint of accordionists?
      A: Our Lady of Spain.
    3. Q: What do you call 100 accordionists at the bottom of the ocean?
      A: A good start.
    4. Q: What's an accordion good for?
      A: Learning how to fold maps.
    5. Q: What do you call an accordion player with a beeper?
      A: An optimist.

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    Bagpipes:

    1. Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
      A: To get away from the noise.
    2. Q: What's the difference between a bagpiper and a terrorist?
      A: Terrorists have sympathizers.

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    Banjo:

    1. Q: What's the best way to play a banjo?
      A: With a hack saw.
    2. Q: What's the least used sentence in the English language?
      A: "Is that the banjo player's Porsche?"
    3. Q: What's the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?
      A: A chain saw has greater dynamic range.

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    Bass Guitar:

    1. Q: What's the difference between a bass and a trampoline?
      A: You take off your shoes to jump on the trampoline.
    2. Q: Why don't bass players ever catch a cold?
      A: Even a virus has some pride.
    3. Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
      A: Never mind. The piano player can do it with his left hand.
    4. Q: What's the first thing a bass player says when he knocks on your door?
      A: "Pizza!"

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    Bass, Upright:

    1. Q: How do you make a double bass sound in-tune?
      A: Chop it up and make it into a xylophone.

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    Bassoon:

    1. Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
      A: To get away from the bassoon recital.
    2. Q: How do you put down a saxophone?
      A: Call it a bassoon.
    3. Q: Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?
      A: The bassoon burns longer.
    4. Q: What is a burning oboe good for?
      A: Setting a bassoon on fire.

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    Cello:

    1. Q: What's the difference between a viola and a cello?
      A: A cello burns longer.
    2. Q: Why did the cellist get mad at the timpanist?
      A: He turned a tuning peg, and wouldn't tell which one.
    3. Q: How do you get a cellist to play fortissimo?
      A: Write, "pp, espressivo."
    4. Q: How do you make a cello sound beautiful?
      A: Sell it and buy a violin.
    5. Q: Why are intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
      A: So you don't have to retrain the cellists.

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    Clarinet:

    1. Q: Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
      A: So they can park in the handicapped zone.
    2. Q: How many clarinetists does it take to change a light bulb?
      A: Only one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one.

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    Composers:

    Mozart

    1. Q: What did Mozart recently say to a noisy visitor?
      A: "Shhhh! I'm decomposing!"

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    Conductors:

    1. Q: Why are conductors' hearts so coveted for transplants?
      A: They've had so little use.
    2. Q: What does a good conductor weigh?
      A: 28 ounces, not counting the urn.
    3. We know a guy who was so dumb his teacher gave him two sticks and he became a drummer but then lost one and became a conductor.

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    Drums:

    1. Q: What do you call a drummer with half a brain?
      A: Gifted.
    2. Q: What's the definition of a gentleman?
      A: One who knows how to play the drums but doesn't.
    3. Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
      A: A drummer.
    4. Q: What does a drummer say when he gets to his gig?
      A: Would you like fries with that, sir?
    5. Q: What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
      A: Drool.
    6. Q: Why do bands have bass players?
      A: To translate for the drummer.
    7. Q: How can you tell a drummer is walking behind you?
      A: You can hear his knuckles dragging on the ground.
    8. Q: What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
      A: You only have to punch the information into the drum machine once.
    9. Q: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
      A: None. They have machines to do that now.
    10. Q: Did you hear about the bass player who locked his keys in the car?
      A: He had to break the window to get the drummer out!
    11. We know a guy who was so dumb his teacher gave him two sticks and he became a drummer but then lost one and became a conductor.

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    English Horn:

    1. Q: How many English horn players does it take to change a light bulb?
      A: One, but he gyrates so much, he'll fall off the ladder.

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    Fiddle:

    1. Q: What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin?
      A: No one minds if you spill beer on a fiddle.

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    Flute:

    1. Q: What's the definition of a minor second?
      A: Two flutists playing in unison.

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    French Horn:

    1. Q: How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn?
      A: Put your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes.
    2. Q: What do you get when you cross a French horn player with a goal post?
      A: A goal post that can't march.
    3. Q: How many French horn players does it take to change a lightbulb?
      A: Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.

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    Guitar:

    1. Q: How can you tell a guitarist is at your front door?
      A: By the Pizza delivery hat.
    2. Q: How do you get a guitarist to turn down?
      A: Put some music in front of him.
    3. Q: How do you know when the stage is level?
      A: The guitarist is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.
    4. Q: How many lead guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?
      A: None. They just steal somebody else's light.
    5. Q: What's the best thing to play on guitar?
      A: Solitaire.
    6. Q: In the 22nd century, how many guitarists will it take to replace a light source?
      A: Five. One to actually do it, and four to reminisce about how much better the old tubes were.

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    Harp:

    1. Q: What's the definition of a 1/4 tone?
      A: A harpist tuning unison strings.
    2. Harp players spend half their time tuning their instrument and the other half playing out of tune.
    3. Q: Why are harps like elderly parents?
      A: Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.
    4. Q: How long does a harp stay in tune?
      A: About 20 minutes...or until someone opens a door.

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    Music:

    1. Q: What does new age music sound like played backwards?
      A: New age music.
    2. Q: What happens when you play "the blues" backwards?
      A: Your wife comes back to you, your dog returns to life and you get out of prison.



    Music Critics:

    1. Q: What do you get when you cross a music critic with a bowling ball?
      A: A bowling ball that wouldn't know a good performance if it heard one.

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    Musicians:

    1. Definition of a string quartet: a good violinist, a bad violinist, a would-be violinist and someone who hates the violin getting together to complain about composers.
    2. Q: Generally speaking, how late does a band play?
      A: About two beats behind the drummer.

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    Oboe:

    1. Q: What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
      A: Nobody cries when you chop up an oboe.
    2. Q: How many oboists does it take to change a light bulb?
      A: One. But by the time he gets done shaving the tip, you won't need it.
    3. Q: What's the definition of a "half step"?
      A: Two oboes playing in unison.
    4. Q: What's the definition of a "major second?"
      A: Two baroque oboes playing in unison.
    5. Q: How do you get an oboist to play A flat?
      A: Take the batteries out of his electronic tuner.

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    Piano/Keyboards:

    1. Q: Why are a pianist's fingers like lightning?
      A: Because they rarely strike the same place twice.
    2. Q: What do you get if you throw a piano down a mine shaft?
      A: A flat miner.
    3. Q: What do you get if you drop a piano on an army base?
      A: A flat major.
    4. Q: Why is an 11-foot concert grand better than a studio upright?
      A: It makes a louder noise, when you drop it off a cliff.

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    Piccolo:

    1. Two musicians are walking down the street and one says to the other, "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?"
      The other replies, "That was no piccolo. That was my fife!"

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    Saxophone:

    Baritone

    1. Q: What's the difference between a bari-sax and a chain saw?
      A: Vibrato.
      A: The exhaust.

    Generic Saxophone

    1. Q: How many sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
      A: Five. One to change it and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would've done it.
    2. Q: If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an in-tune sax player, an out-of-tune sax player, or Santa Claus?
      A: The out-of-tune sax player. The other two indicate you've been hallucinating.

    Soprano

    1. Q: What's the difference between a lawn mower and a soprano sax?
      A: You can tune a lawn mower.
      A: Your neighbor will get mad if you don't return their lawn mower.
      A: Lawn mowers sound better in small ensembles.
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    Trombone:

    1. Q: What's the difference between a bass trombone and a chain saw?
      A: Vibrato, though you can minimize the difference by holding the chain saw very still.
      A: It's easier to improvise on a chain saw.
    2. Q: How can you make a French horn sound like a trombone?
      A: Take your hand out of the bell and lose all sense of taste.
    3. Q: How do you know when a trombone player is at your door?
      A: The doorbell drags.
    4. Q: What do you call a trombonist with a beeper and a cell phone?
      A: An optimist.
    5. Q: How many trombonists does it take to change a lightbulb?
      A: Just one, but he'll do it too loudly.
    6. Q: What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs?
      A: "Year-At-A-Glance."
    7. Q: What is the dynamic range of a bass trombone?
      A: On or off.
    8. Q: How can you tell which kid on the playground is the child of the trombonist?
      A: He/She can't swing and doesn't know how to use the slide.

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    Trumpet:

    1. Q: How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
      A: Five. One to handle the bulb and four to tell him how much better they could've done it.
    2. Q: What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds?
      A: Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
    3. Q: Why can't a gorilla play trumpet?
      A: Gorillas are too sensitive.

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    Tuba:

    1. Q: What's the range of a tuba?
      A: Twenty yards, if you've got a good arm.
    2. Tuba Player: Did you hear my last recital?
      Friend: I hope so.
    3. Q: What's a "tuba for"?
      A: 1 1/2" by 3 1/2", unless you request a "full cut."
    4. Q: How do you fix a broken tuba?
      A: With a "tuba glue."

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    Viola:

    1. Q: How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
      A: Sit in the back and don't play.
    2. Q: What's the difference between a violist and a dog?
      A: A dog knows when to stop scratching.
    3. Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
      A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
    4. Q: How do you get a violist to play a downbow staccato?
      A: Put a tenuto mark over a whole note and mark it solo.

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    Violin:

    1. Q: How do you know when a violin is out-of-tune?
      A: When the bow's moving.
    2. Q: Why is a violin like a scud missle?
      A: Both are offensive and inaccurate.
    3. Q: Why are violins smaller than violas?
      A: They're actually the same size. Violinists' heads are bigger.
    4. Q: What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
      A: A fiddle is fun to listen to.
    5. Q: Why do violinists put a cloth between their chin and their instruments?
      A: Violins don't have spit valves.
    6. Q: Why should you never drive a roof nail with a violin?
      A: You might bend the nail.
    7. Q: Why are viola jokes so short?
      A: So violinists can understand them.

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    Vocalists:

    Singers (Generic)

    1. Q: How does a singer change a light bulb?
      A: She/he holds it and the world revolves around her/him.
    2. Q: How do you know if a singer is at the front door?
      A: She can't find her key.

    Sopranos

    1. Q: What's the difference between a soprano and a pirhana?
      A: Lipstick.
    2. Q: What's the difference between a soprano and a pit bull?
      A: Jewelry.
    3. Q: What's the definition of an alto?
      A: A soprano who can sight-read.

    Tenors

    1. Q: Why are soprano jokes all one-liners?
      A: So tenors can understand them.

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