- Q: What's the difference between an accordion and a lawn
mower?
A: If you put both on Home Shopping Network, you could sell
the lawn mower.
- Q: Who's the patron saint of accordionists?
A: Our
Lady of Spain.
- Q: What do you call 100 accordionists at the bottom of the
ocean?
A: A good start.
- Q: What's an accordion good for?
A: Learning how to
fold maps.
- Q: What do you call an accordion player with a beeper?
A:
An optimist.
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- Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A: To get
away from the noise.
- Q: What's the difference between a bagpiper and a
terrorist?
A: Terrorists have sympathizers.
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- Q: What's the best way to play a banjo?
A: With a hack
saw.
- Q: What's the least used sentence in the English language?
A: "Is that the banjo player's Porsche?"
- Q: What's the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?
A: A chain saw has greater dynamic range.
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- Q: What's the difference between a bass and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes to jump on the trampoline.
- Q: Why don't bass players ever catch a cold?
A: Even a
virus has some pride.
- Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: Never mind. The piano player can do it with his left hand.
- Q: What's the first thing a bass player says when he
knocks on your door?
A: "Pizza!"
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- Q: How do you make a double bass sound in-tune?
A:
Chop it up and make it into a xylophone.
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- Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away
from the bassoon recital.
- Q: How do you put down a saxophone?
A: Call it a
bassoon.
- Q: Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?
A: The
bassoon burns longer.
- Q: What is a burning oboe good for?
A: Setting a
bassoon on fire.
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- Q: What's the difference between a viola and a cello?
A:
A cello burns longer.
- Q: Why did the cellist get mad at the timpanist?
A: He
turned a tuning peg, and wouldn't tell which one.
- Q: How do you get a cellist to play fortissimo?
A:
Write, "pp, espressivo."
- Q: How do you make a cello sound beautiful?
A: Sell it
and buy a violin.
- Q: Why are intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
A: So
you don't have to retrain the cellists.
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- Q: Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
A: So they can park in the handicapped zone.
- Q: How many clarinetists does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: Only one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before
he finds just the right one.
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Mozart
- Q: What did Mozart recently say to a noisy visitor?
A: "Shhhh! I'm decomposing!"
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- Q: Why are conductors' hearts so coveted for transplants?
A: They've had so little use.
- Q: What does a good conductor weigh?
A: 28 ounces, not
counting the urn.
- We know a guy who was so dumb his teacher gave him two
sticks and he became a drummer but then lost one and became a conductor.
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- Q: What do you call a drummer with half a brain?
A:
Gifted.
- Q: What's the definition of a gentleman?
A: One who
knows how to play the drums but doesn't.
- Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with
musicians?
A: A drummer.
- Q: What does a drummer say when he gets to his gig?
A:
Would you like fries with that, sir?
- Q: What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
A: Drool.
- Q: Why do bands have bass players?
A: To translate for
the drummer.
- Q: How can you tell a drummer is walking behind you?
A:
You can hear his knuckles dragging on the ground.
- Q: What's the difference between a drummer and a drum
machine?
A: You only have to punch the information into the drum
machine once.
- Q: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They have machines to do that now.
- Q: Did you hear about the bass player who locked his keys
in the car?
A: He had to break the window to get the drummer out!
- We know a guy who was so dumb his teacher gave him two
sticks and he became a drummer but then lost one and became a conductor.
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- Q: How many English horn players does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: One, but he gyrates so much, he'll fall off the
ladder.
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- Q: What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin?
A: No one minds if you spill beer on a fiddle.
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- Q: What's the definition of a minor second?
A: Two flutists playing in unison.
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- Q: How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn?
A: Put your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes.
- Q: What do you get when you cross a French horn player
with a goal post?
A: A goal post that can't march.
- Q: How many French horn players does it take to change a
lightbulb?
A: Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb
for alignment and leaks.
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- Q: How can you tell a guitarist is at your front door?
A:
By the Pizza delivery hat.
- Q: How do you get a guitarist to turn down?
A: Put
some music in front of him.
- Q: How do you know when the stage is level?
A: The
guitarist is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.
- Q: How many lead guitarists does it take to change a
lightbulb?
A: None. They just steal somebody else's light.
- Q: What's the best thing to play on guitar?
A:
Solitaire.
- Q: In the 22nd century, how many guitarists will it take
to replace a light source?
A: Five. One to actually do it, and four
to reminisce about how much better the old tubes were.
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- Q: What's the definition of a 1/4 tone?
A: A harpist
tuning unison strings.
- Harp players spend half their time tuning their instrument
and the other half playing out of tune.
- Q: Why are harps like elderly parents?
A: Both are
unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.
- Q: How long does a harp stay in tune?
A: About 20
minutes...or until someone opens a door.
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- Q: What does new age music sound like played backwards?
A: New age music.
- Q: What happens when you play "the blues" backwards?
A:
Your wife comes back to you, your dog returns to life and you get out of
prison.
- Q: What do you get when you cross a music critic with a
bowling ball?
A: A bowling ball that wouldn't know a good
performance if it heard one.
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- Definition of a string quartet: a good violinist, a bad
violinist, a would-be violinist and someone who hates the violin getting
together to complain about composers.
- Q: Generally speaking, how late does a band play?
A:
About two beats behind the drummer.
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- Q: What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
A:
Nobody cries when you chop up an oboe.
- Q: How many oboists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. But by the time he gets done shaving the tip, you
won't need it.
- Q: What's the definition of a "half step"?
A: Two
oboes playing in unison.
- Q: What's the definition of a "major second?"
A: Two
baroque oboes playing in unison.
- Q: How do you get an oboist to play A flat?
A: Take
the batteries out of his electronic tuner.
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- Q: Why are a pianist's fingers like lightning?
A:
Because they rarely strike the same place twice.
- Q: What do you get if you throw a piano down a mine shaft?
A: A flat miner.
- Q: What do you get if you drop a piano on an army base?
A: A flat major.
- Q: Why is an 11-foot concert grand better than a studio
upright?
A: It makes a louder noise, when you drop it off a cliff.
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- Two musicians are walking down the street and one says to
the other, "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?"
The
other replies, "That was no piccolo. That was my fife!"
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Baritone
- Q: What's the difference between a bari-sax and a chain
saw?
A: Vibrato.
A: The exhaust.
Generic Saxophone
- Q: How many sax players does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: Five. One to change it and four to contemplate how David
Sanborn would've done it.
- Q: If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for
directions: an in-tune sax player, an out-of-tune sax player, or Santa
Claus?
A: The out-of-tune sax player. The other two indicate you've
been hallucinating.
Soprano
- Q: What's the difference between a lawn mower and a
soprano sax?
A: You can tune a lawn mower.
A: Your neighbor will
get mad if you don't return their lawn mower.
A: Lawn mowers sound
better in small ensembles.
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- Q: What's the difference between a bass trombone and a
chain saw?
A: Vibrato, though you can minimize the difference by
holding the chain saw very still.
A: It's easier to improvise on a
chain saw.
- Q: How can you make a French horn sound like a trombone?
A: Take your hand out of the bell and lose all sense of taste.
- Q: How do you know when a trombone player is at your door?
A: The doorbell drags.
- Q: What do you call a trombonist with a beeper and a cell
phone?
A: An optimist.
- Q: How many trombonists does it take to change a
lightbulb?
A: Just one, but he'll do it too loudly.
- Q: What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his
gigs?
A: "Year-At-A-Glance."
- Q: What is the dynamic range of a bass trombone?
A: On
or off.
- Q: How can you tell which kid on the playground is the
child of the trombonist?
A: He/She can't swing and doesn't know how
to use the slide.
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- Q: How many trumpet players does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: Five. One to handle the bulb and four to tell him how much
better they could've done it.
- Q: What's the difference between trumpet players and
government bonds?
A: Government bonds eventually mature and earn
money.
- Q: Why can't a gorilla play trumpet?
A: Gorillas are
too sensitive.
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- Q: What's the range of a tuba?
A: Twenty yards, if
you've got a good arm.
- Tuba Player: Did you hear my last recital?
Friend: I
hope so.
- Q: What's a "tuba for"?
A: 1 1/2" by 3 1/2", unless
you request a "full cut."
- Q: How do you fix a broken tuba?
A: With a "tuba
glue."
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- Q: How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
A: Sit
in the back and don't play.
- Q: What's the difference between a violist and a dog?
A:
A dog knows when to stop scratching.
- Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
A:
Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
- Q: How do you get a violist to play a downbow staccato?
A: Put a tenuto mark over a whole note and mark it solo.
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- Q: How do you know when a violin is out-of-tune?
A:
When the bow's moving.
- Q: Why is a violin like a scud missle?
A: Both are
offensive and inaccurate.
- Q: Why are violins smaller than violas?
A: They're
actually the same size. Violinists' heads are bigger.
- Q: What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
A: A fiddle is fun to listen to.
- Q: Why do violinists put a cloth between their chin and
their instruments?
A: Violins don't have spit valves.
- Q: Why should you never drive a roof nail with a violin?
A: You might bend the nail.
- Q: Why are viola jokes so short?
A: So violinists can
understand them.
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Singers (Generic)
- Q: How does a singer change a light bulb?
A: She/he
holds it and the world revolves around her/him.
- Q: How do you know if a singer is at the front door?
A:
She can't find her key.
Sopranos
- Q: What's the difference between a soprano and a pirhana?
A: Lipstick.
- Q: What's the difference between a soprano and a pit bull?
A: Jewelry.
- Q: What's the definition of an alto?
A: A soprano who
can sight-read.
Tenors
- Q: Why are soprano jokes all one-liners?
A: So tenors
can understand them.
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Musician Jokes